Aku cemburu, aku mahu.

I wonder if jealousy is the ugliest trait that people would construe, or in certain episodes, it might be beneficial.

“Jealousy is a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to human connection.” - Mr. Wikipedia.

Translation:

“Jealousy is when you feel tormented each second you see people around you are in a great deal of possessing the same things you always wanted to have, but unfortunately you’re not titled to grab them all- be it the evident materials or the hidden attention.”

What a heinous affirmation for a start. Can you smell that paradox? Truth exists in black and white. No racism involved. Have you ever heard of a hateful truth? Well perhaps this one is.

Jealousy shows up in many different frameworks and substances. Ranging from communities, relationships, friendships, families, and down to the level of individual outlook, that I’m utterly sure that it has a broader sense of aspects than just these five lineups.

Having said that, let me alone in my own sphere, yapping about my say, in proper lines. 

It’s almost impossible to tell myself why do I always have these quite a number of ideas in mind which have greatly keep me awake/alive every day and night without any single failure, that they somewhat get to clog plagues on my vision. Boo me since I now already got a bee in my bonnet about making them mine. Plus, any of my suicidal attempts are just a flight of fancy. 

I have make much ado about nothing! 

Number one : I always wanted to wear new shoes, new socks, new undergarments, new cardigans, new head scarves, new dresses, new pants each time I leave my house. This is crazy!!! 

why? 

Because the fact that the money I own in Ceska Sporitelna is never meant for personal purposes only. dan...kena simpan duit mahu kahwin esok lusa. 

Number two : I see women with head scarves/ hijabs are now more daring in styling the way they wrap their heads. Getting bored with my square hijabs, I’m thinking of doing the same too, inspired by the outnumbered hijabers out there. Yet again, I’m away with the fairies. 

why?

“E..tak yahla..Pakai tudung ni untuk tutup aurat. Kalau dah asyik nak ber-fashion, dah lari dah niat tu. Ada berapa je negara Islam yang pakai tudung fengsi-fengsi ni. Turki, Singapore, Malaysia..ada lagi la.tak ingat dah. Yang lain sume pakai tudung labuh.” - ‘bukan apa’.

Number three : Flawless skin with bright tone reflection. No pimples, free from either blackheads or white heads. Just like Hannah from ANTM cycle 16. Badly, no matter how I try to dismiss their habitats off my skin, they still there.

why?

Oh come on. Don’t act so naive. It’s all about the monthly cycle. The righteous of stopping the blood from flushing down is obviously not mine. :P

Number four : I think I have to outshine myself amongst others by congregating knowledge about our Islam. I’m too shallow about it. Some of them are fully well equipped with it, while i’m just keep on wondering if I will ever be one.

why?

I have no clear steps or guidelines, I don’t know where to start, but I believe that one day, I’ll drive my force to be in that background. What makes me going is the thought of having a concrete base for myself, my husband, my children, and my people, insyaAllah.

So you tell me, is jealousy always that foul repulsive thought/feeling?